T-2 The Hand that Feeds
கற்றதனால் ஆய பயனென்கொல் வாலறிவன்
நற்றாள் தொழாஅர் எனின்
What profit have those derived from learning, who worship not the good feet of Him who is possessed of pure knowledge?
Her lips were moving freakishly fast and her hands looked liked they were going to pull her wig down at any moment. Yet the eyes that were poring over the book in front of her were having a glazed look. She was at the last line of the page yet couldn’t remember a thing that she had been reading. Raising her head slightly she saw the entire classroom was buzzing. This was a hopeless job. She should have just done the damn revision in the morning. And now she was going to fail this internals. She couldn’t understand why she always had to fail at the crucial moments. And as if it was the cue to add on to her misery, the bell rung to signify lunch was over. She was going to get served.
“Well that was the best poori masala I have ever had”
“Really?”
“Yeah. It was really good”
“You really are kind, you know that?”
She smiled. She wasn’t bluffing or being diplomatic at all. It was the best she ever had. There was something so different and so earthy about it. Just like this roadside hotel. The moment she saw the name she was intrigued. And if that did not get her curiosity, the black slate outside sure did.
“Anything else? Chapati parota pongal dosai”
“No. Just coffee. Strong.”
She looked around. An old lady was pouring dettol into the bucket before plugging her mop in. A man in his mid thirties was fixing something. Squinting, she saw that it was a speaker. And then her head turned to another corner of the shop. There it was. One more speaker. She had missed that. Now that laptop near the cashier made sense.
“Here you are madam”
“Thank you. Bill please”
“Oh! No bill madam. Did you not read the board when you entered?”
“Well it is the end of March. So thought maybe it was some early April fool joke”
The hostess smiled. She did not believe one word of what the girl was saying. And slowly she shook her head.
“No. Its not a joke.”
“So let me get this clear. You don’t charge a single paisa for all this?”
“Nope”
That same smile. Unwavering. Unbent. Unbroken.
“I feel guilty. I don’t think I can forgive myself if I don’t pay after having such an excellent meal”
“There is no need to feel guilty ma’am. If you really feel strongly that you want to pay, you can pay whatever you want to in that cardboard box next to the cashier desk”
It was then that she saw what was really happening. Customers who must have been eating regularly here, had finished their meals, put it in the waste basket and put money in the cardboard box and went off. It was like clockwork. And none inside asked any question, none took down how much the customers paid and none of them changed the contents of the box into the cashier box. She was now fascinated. She looked up into the strangely bright face of her hostess.
“How long have you been running this here?”
“Close to two years now”
“Two years. And I have not read about this shop anywhere”
“We don’t get a lot of people who ask questions here”
“Am I asking too much”
“Haha. No no”
“So, how many people do you get normally?”
“Around 300”
She was shocked. 300? To this remote place? The shock must have shown on her face.
“Oh we were as shocked as you are now, when we started this. My husband, the one repairing the speaker, he had this crazy idea that we should try this out. Apparently, he read it in Ananda Vikatan about someone doing this in Kerala. So both of us quit our jobs and came here and started this”
“How are you running this service for 2 years with 300 customers a day? You must have lost a small fortune”
“The funny thing is we haven’t lost a penny”
“What?”
This time she hid her shock well. But her tone betrayed her.
“Yeah. The thing is we knew it would be tough. And it was more tough than we could have imagined. We did not even get a lot of people at the start. But then as word of mouth spread we got more than we had bargained for. And just like you, a lot of them wanted to give back something. So we designed that cardboard box. At the end of the first day, when we counted it, we were genuinely surprised at what people gave us. There were fruits, play things, paisa, rupees, vegetables. There was even a pebble and a conch. So we then segregated the lot and kept three separate labelled boxes from the next day. And as time progressed, our service became self aware and turned itself into a business.”
This was a lot of information to take in. But she had already pressed on her voice recorder by then so that she will have enough material to go back on.
“And everyone pays?”
“No. Its not exactly the earning lot alone that comes here. We get housewives and students and we cant expect them all to pay. Especially in this locality.”
“You don’t get angry or disappointed when they don’t pay?”
“Well we never intended for this to become a business. And now that it has we cannot run it as one. We started it as a service and we will run this as a service for as long as we can humanely do”
“You know, I never realised that when I came in to feed my hungry stomach, I would come across such a fascinating story. The things that people do for each other continues to astound me with each passing day. Here you are making sure no one goes hungry because they don’t have money and no one knows what you are doing”
That smile again. Unnerving. But this time she saw that the smile extended all the way to her eyes.
“We are not the heroes of this story. People, they are inherently good. They want to do good stuff. They don’t want handouts at every passing opportunity. Even the lowest earners of the society, if you shower them enough with free stuff they feel guilty at giving back nothing in return. It shames them into giving whatever they can in some form or the other especially to other needy persons. If ever you get an opportunity to feed a hungry man, don’t ever pass it up. The joy you get on seeing his face break into a weak smile is indescribable. And he will never forget what you did for him. Ever.”
It was time to go. She knew that she wasn’t going to return here in a long long time. So she took the single one thousand note from her purse, wrapped it inside a hundred rupee note and put it in the box and left. And as she turned around one last time to catch a glimpse, the name caught her attention
“Why that name?”
“What?”
“Why that name?”
“That? Oh. THEY are my favourite”
“Nirvana”
“No”
“Liar”
“I am not lying”
“I know Nirvana songs. It is theirs”
“Yes they did that song. But it was a cover version”
“I have never heard them do cover versions”
“Maybe not. But doesn’t mean they didn’t do any. They have done a fair bit and this was their most famous one”
“So who did the original?”
Suddenly the class went quiet. She watched as the class rose. Must be the teacher. As she stood up to wish a good afternoon, she saw that it wasn’t her regular teacher. No. This was Guru sir. But she remembered seeing Ranjani ma’am at snacks break. What happened? And as the chorus of wishes echoed, he indicated everyone to sit down. He took the duster and wiped the board clean and patted off the cloth on the special teacher’s chair to rid it of dust (though it could have been pins too if people knew he was coming). Substitute teacher wiping the board is never a good sign but he sat quietly and opened a book in front of him and starting reading. She couldn’t quite make out what the title was and as she squinted hard, the book came down and his eyes met hers. Suddenly, her hand involuntarily reached to a book inside her bag and she started flipping pages before settling on somewhere in the middle. As she bowed her head right on time, he coughed. The sound inside the class had been growing ever since he had sat quietly up there and now there came a second distinct cough. This time, a lot more eyes looked up at the source of the cough yet the mouths kept doing their work. He smiled his eerie toothless smile.
“Stop talking”
It was so slow and low but it cut like ice across the classroom. Suddenly, silence.
“Close all your books and notebooks and keep them back in the bag”
The rustling of the pages and the scraping of the brown sheets were the only sound as each student noiselessly did what they were commanded to do. And then he got up from the seat and sat on the desk and watched. He silently took in all the faces as he waited on each face a second longer than he did for the previous one. She knew then that they were in for a ride.
“I don’t like roller coasters”
“That’s because you have not been in one”
“Can you blame me? It’s so rickety and every single time it feels like it will fall down”
“You have seen final destination haven’t you?”
She smiled sheepishly.
“Yeah”
“Come on. You will enjoy this one. I promise”
“But it’s so fast. And I am scared of heights.”
“Look at me Priya. Do you think I will let anything happen to you?”
His eyes completed the rest of the sentence. They did not lie to her. She just nodded her head and squeezed his arm as he led her to the roller coaster. He did not let her hands go even after the seat belts were fastened. His eyes never left hers as the ride started. She didn’t remember much of what happened after.
When she opened her eyes, she saw that she was in the back of a car. Her head was aching as she slowly got up and leaned against the plush seat. Her throat was dry and she felt a lingering burning sensation. And then her eyes met his as he looked up at his mirror. He slowed the car down and gave her the water bottle.
“How are you feeling?”
“I feel like shit. What happened to me?”
“Well you were screaming yourself hoarse during the entire ride. And when we stepped out after the ride, you just gave a weird smile and swooned. Took you to the clinic inside the park, emergency room. The doctor checked for something and inserted some tube into you and started feeding you water as you vomited yourself clean. And then once that was done, you collapsed again. So I thanked the doctor, put you in the back of the car and now am taking you home now.”
“And what was his diagnosis?”
“Poisoning. HE reckoned it was food poisoning”
“And you don’t?”
“No”
“What do you mean?”
“I think you knowingly took it and were looking to end your life tonight”
“I still can’t believe it”
“I know”
She and her friend had slowly dragged their cycles into Ratna bakery. She was still in shock over what she had heard. There was a mixture of emotions going through her right now and she couldn’t tell which way she felt next. So she ordered a couple of channa masala and slung her back onto her shoulders.
“How can anyone think of committing suicide? How selfish must you be? All you think of at the time was yourself but you don’t for a moment realize what impact that might have on others. I can totally understand if you are alone and are the last person alive on this earth. Did he even think of how stupid it looks once you do it? What a waste of space.”
“I don’t think you are in any position to judge him Priya. Walk a mile in his shoes before you start passing judgments left right and centre. Not everyone who is not alone is not alone. You can laugh with a thousand others but your laugh doesn’t matter if the rest still laugh.”
“What if the rest don’t laugh? Your laugh still carries over. Convenient of you to ignore that”
“Again you make that sound so easy. What if it wasn’t good and the only reason the person thinks you laughed was because you were sarcastic. If you are meant to be misunderstood,trust me,you WILL be misunderstood”
And just as she opened her mouth came the shout – Rendu (Two) channa masala. She took both plates and laid it on the raised counter as Rina went to get her bag from her cycle. The rains started pouring more steadily as both of them blew softly into the plate before tasting their first spoonful. It was then that Priya noticed the dog peeing at the back tyre of her cycle.
“Have you ever seen a dog pee? The absolute nonchalance it has to its surroundings is quite astounding to say the least. It just saunters lazily, sniffs at various places and after finding the most expensive item around, they just raise their hind legs and start peeing right on it. Does it stop there? No. It searches around for the owner of the expensive item and once it has locked eyes, it cocks it’s head to one side and let’s it out in full flow. Now chances are this is a stray, you would be the owner of the said item and this item is most likely your Hercules cycle or an Rx100 or Opel Astra. The item may change but not you. You, are the pee magnet.”
The laughter that was going around till then suddenly petered out.
“Here you are sitting and laughing at one of the most fundamental duties of everyday life. But then it isn’t a surprise knowing who I am talking to. All of you who just talk and talk incessantly everytime the other person stops to breathe. Waking up everyday to your so called life with no purpose except that of pulling down every single person who intends to climb. You are afraid of heights and won’t climb but neither will you let anyone else climb up. Sitting here every single day of your miserable life to neither be useful enough to be an example nor useless enough to be an example. Lambs to the slaughter? You lot? More like hyenas in lamb’s clothing.”
There was a distinct unease in the class now. This silence was unnatural. Yet his voice never rose enough to be heard in the next classroom but was clear enough to be heard at the last bench.
“Have you ever done anything useful in your life? 17 years old and none of you here are good enough to make a difference in even your own lives. Ever stopped to think about what’s happening around you? Ever had a single useful thought between those ears that changed someone’s life for the better? No. All you care is to read what’s written in a myriad of books that inhabit your study collection and vomit in various places. What do you want to be? Oh I like to do engineering sir. I want to be a doctor sir. I want to be a lawyer sir. Ever helped your locality by coming up with a program to regulate your neighboring garbage collection areas? Ever helped a needy man to a meal? With a meal? Ever talked to the local authorities on why the roads are not well maintained? Ever even tried doing any of those? But sir I did science projects sir. They will change the future sir. Screw you and your shamelessly copied and useless projects.”
One boy angrily leapt to his feet.
“Sir I don’t think we deserve this vitriol from you without provocation”
He looked at him. He gave that eerie smile again. She felt a shiver run down her spine.
“What’s your name?”
“Vettri”
“Do you know what’s the meaning of your name?”
“It means win”
“And what exactly have you won?”
“I…I got first in 100m in zonals”
“Ah. And you are proud of that?”
“Ofcourse I am sir”
“And why are you proud?”
“Because I beat a lot of others to get first place”
“So what did you achieve because of that?”
“I…”
Silence. 10 seconds. 20. 30.
“You did not achieve anything. You know your parents named you vettri because they won themselves a lottery to misery. What are you or anyone else for that matter, but a burden on their parents. You pushed down a lot of others to win something which doesn’t have any value even according to you. That’s how insignificant your efforts were to gain a crown of thorns for something that hurts those thorns more than you. Please take a seat and take the shine off it, so that when the next batch replaces you lot in here within the next 3 months they will feel completely at home”
The boy sat down full of shame amidst a sea of angry,confused and hurt faces. The teacher stood up,took his book and started walking towards the door. And then just as he was about to exit, he paused and looked back at all the faces in the room. Her eyes met his again. Or it must have been her imagination for now his eyes were looking outside the window dead opposite to the classroom exit.
“Have you sat back and thought to yourself at one point on how beautifully interconnected our lives are. A simple choice of being vegetarian or not affects the balance of the ecosystem. A simple choice of whether to buy this dress or that ensures one company wins while the other loses out. A simple choice of whether to come to school today or not has such a deep impact on your friends and teachers. Your life is not yours to waste on petty things like marks or ranks or I bought this dress or I am going there or I am coming first in this game. Your life is not yours to gamble on the fallacies that surrounds you. Your life is not made to be sycophantic. Your life exists only to make a difference in the lives of others. Every single one of you here learn something everyday. But you never take it in. You never see with your eyes wide open. You never open your ears to listen to anything but worthless junk. You don’t talk on or about anything that you need to. Look around you. This country is dying. These people are dying. They need someone to pick them up and tell them that nothing is alright and no handouts are given.They need someone to tell them to stand tall and walk on and keep picking up others who have fallen all the wayside. Be those eyes that see that change. Be those ears that hear their pleas. Be that hand that reaches out. Be that life that none will ever forget. Then and only then have you lived.”
It was then that the bell rang.
“Are you ready?”
“Yes”
She locked the door and put the keys inside her bag. Pulling at the lock to ensure that it was well and truly locked, she started out and got inside his car. They drove silently for 15 mins when she signaled for him to stop. She told him to find a parking place as she stepped and unfurled her umbrella. She walked briskly forward as her high heels clicked softly on the pavement blocks. And as she found the peach tree she stood there and watched the single light burning brightly and a three rose bouquet neatly laid under his epitaph. She knelt down, placed her usual handmade lily bouquet and a small banana. She took a small handmade wooden umbrella (the kind you see in Ganesh chathurthi, except this one was smaller with a wider wingspan) and pinned it on the banana. She took out an envelope and placed it beneath the banana and got up as Arjun came to her side.
“Wish he was here to see this”
“No. It’s better this way”
“Priya. Surely you don’t mean that”
“He was a coward. The dog that had more bark than bite”
“You don’t mean that either.”
“I do. I really do. I have never been more angry at him than now.”
“Then you shouldn’t have come.”
“That is impossible. After all…”
With that she swiftly turned back and started walking as tears welled in her eyes. Arjun seized her hand and jerked her back to a tight embrace as she started crying and her eyes saw nothing but the epitaph in front of her.
Here lies Gurusamy. The man who sold the world
